Dear Papabear,
I am living with my boyfriend (who I will call Risuki) in his kind mother's house. We've been doing well so far, even having room to occasionally house a friend. Something has come up that has stressed me out to the point where distraction, fresh air, and meditation are not enough to calm my stress and anxiety. Risuki has an older sister who is married and has two toddlers. Apparently, they have to move back down to the house that I live in. I don't mind moving our mattress, computers, and everything else to one of the smaller rooms to make way, but I do mind them coming here because I hate them so g*****n much. I dislike Risuki's older sister because, long story short and without too much detail, it was ultimately her decision that had my boyfriend sent to mental institutions multiple times, given medications for mental illnesses he never had and now has scars both mentally and physically from it. He is still healing from it, even though it's been at least 3 years since he's been out. I despise his brother-in-law. I had said something that, while I didn't intend it to, sounded hateful about one of their family members and this man contacted Risuki and I on Facebook. What I assumed was just going to be a lecture turned out to be manipulation and downright awful behavior. He not only tried to tell a lie about something Risuki said about me with my back turned, but he tried to scare us into believing the cops were watching the house. This man scares me to a level where I feel like my life is being threatened by him. I know this isn't about me. This is not my house, and they're not my family. However I cannot return to mine, for my mom doesn't even have a bed for me. I don't have friends nearby who would house me or my boyfriend. We don't have a vehicle yet, but we're planning on working some small jobs in web design and programming to earn some money. I can't bring myself to talk about this to my boyfriend, as he was stressed out when he brought it up with me. I suppose the question is, what do I do? I want to channel my inner dragon and not be so frightened, but I'm scared for my life as if I'll be slain. I'm sure he won't kill me, but I am afraid he can put me in a position where I'm helpless, alone, or even homeless. My boyfriend assured me that this wouldn't happen, but I can't help but feel that it's a major possibility. -Roarar (age 21, Arkansas) * * * Hi, Roarar, Sorry for the delay in writing you. A question: do you or your bf have ANY prospects for employment other than these small jobs you mention? I mean, regular employment? What education do you and he have? This will help with my reply. Hugs, Papabear * * * My boyfriend has a rather large plan in mind involving his programming skills, but he would probably prefer that I keep the details on it secret. Other than that, no. We're in a rural area with not much in the way of being hired elsewhere and his mother's car being the only vehicle available if she's not at work. We both took one year of college, then had some scholarship problems and dropped. It's likely we'll go back in the future, but we want a more stable income before doing something like that. * * * Dear Roarar, Sometimes I receive letters from furries that sound as if they expect Papabear to have a Magic Bag of Tricks to pull out an amazing, pain-free, labor-free solution to a difficult problem. No such luck. There are two possible courses for you here: in the first course, you can try and resolve your differences with your mate’s sister and husband; in the second course, you fast track a way out of Risuki’s mother’s house and find your own place. Let’s talk about Option 1 first. From my outsider’s view, since I don’t know you, Risuki, or his sister, is it possible that Risuki actually needed to go to a mental health facility? Such places are usually short on space, and they just don’t lightly admit someone because a family member says they are ill. Perhaps his sister thought she was doing the right thing. I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant for your boyfriend at all, and so he complains bitterly to you about the injustice of it all, but perhaps you should try to look at it from his sister’s viewpoint or, at least, more objectively. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of; as with any other illness, it is not a person’s fault or failing and treatment sometimes can help. Is he on meds today? Has he recovered at all? You don’t say why his sister thought he should go there, so I need more information on that one. Instead of being so confrontational with his sister, try talking to her and understanding her point of view. This is not me taking her side, understand; this is me trying to make sure that you aren’t reacting angrily without really thinking this through. As for her husband, well, that could easily be a misunderstanding as well. Again, communication is key. As soon as you shut and lock that door so that no more communication occurs, there can be nothing but anger and bitterness (aka “channeling your inner dragon”). If you simply get pissed off, the situation will escalate and escalate, and you can imagine what the ultimate result would be. Anger is never a solution. The smart dragon reasons things out. Oh, and where does Risuki's mother stand in all of this? How did she feel about him going to a hospital? Could she, perhaps, serve as mediator between the two sides? Of course, there certainly is the possibility that Risuki’s sister and husband are simply unpleasant, ugly people. Such people do exist in the world, and in that case there is nothing much you can do about it, but you should try, first, to see if your relationship can’t be repaired. If it can’t, then you certainly don’t want to remain where you are. That would be like having a Pandora’s Box in the kitchen waiting to be opened. All of you: you, Risuki, his sister, and husband, should not be living with Mom. Sadly, despite claims by the government that the economy has recovered, the reality is that the job market in the U.S. remains terrible, and the trend for children to move back in with parents has become commonplace. It sounds like you need some help with strategies for moving out. You say you were both in college for a year (odd that you should both leave college simultaneously for the same reason), and I’m guessing your “scholarship problems” were related to your not keeping your grades up, since many scholarships are dependent on your doing well academically (also guessing that neither of you were on a sports scholarship). I will tell you frankly right now that no company is going to hire Risuki for his “programming skills” without a college degree or at least some kind of certification. I’m also highly suspicious of anyone who says they have “secret” plans for making an income. Frankly, that sounds either illegal or absurd to my ears. To get a job as a computer programmer, you need one of two things (or both): a college degree OR an impressive portfolio of projects you have accomplished that you can show to prospective employers. These are what employers are looking for. You might ask about certificates. Good question. Getting certified in one of the many disciplines in programming can be done fairly quickly, and then you get a snazzy paper that declares you are “certified” in C++ or whatever. However, the reality is that the whole business of certificates is mainly a money-maker for lame mall colleges and diploma mills such as Kaplan “University” (such places should be outlawed, IMO; always check out schools to see if they are legitimate before enrolling). They can cost a lot and, in the end, probably won’t get you a job or even qualify you for one (here’s a great article about that). Another option is the government. Places like the NSA, FBI, and CIA are in constant need of people who are skilled in Internet security, and they don’t, frankly, give a damn about college degrees. The government is hiring people as fast as it can who know about hacking and how to stop it. If this is a skill you or Risuki have, then you are golden. The government will even forgive a criminal record if you can show them you can stop places like China and Russia from hacking into their databases (http://www.fastcompany.com/3000879/nsa-wants-hackers-and-it-wants-them-its-side). That aside, there actually are other certification courses in other fields that you could explore, offering you a quicker way to get an education in a high-paying field. Here is a list of great jobs you can get without a college degree. Other options: if you are interested in teaching, there is a program for college loan forgiveness if you become a teacher at an inner-city or other poor school system; and, there is always the military, which offers programs to help you save for college. This might sound dangerous, but if you’re a programmer you’re probably not going to be put on the front lines and shot at. There are lots of behind-the-scenes jobs in the military. You will, however, have to get through basic training. Anyway, if college is not an option, the best thing Risuki (and you, if you can program, too) is to get jobs doing unique and challenging projects that require you to come up with unique solutions. Build up that portfolio and show it to potential employers (which will mean moving out of your rural, isolated Arkansas home, of course, since that’s not exactly Silicon Valley). You also need to get some income now. Since you obviously have an Internet connection (or else I wouldn’t be reading your letter), you should go online and check out two sites offered by the State of Arkansas: Arkansas Joblink and the Arkansas Department of Workforce Services, both of which are intended to expedite job searches for people such as yourself. Take advantage of the programs your state has to offer, including those listed here: North Arkansas College (NAC) South Campus at 1515 Pioneer Drive; North Campus at 1320 Spring Road; Center Campus at 303 N. Main, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-743-3000 Provides a wide variety of vocational classroom training courses plus freshman and sophomore level class for transfer to a four-year college. Day and night classes are available. Educational Opportunity Center (NAC) 303 N. Main, (North Arkansas College Center Campus), Harrison, AR 72601, 870-391-3129 or 870-391-3130 or 1-800-257-8690 outside of Harrison. 9 am to 4 pm Monday-Friday, other hours by appointment. Provides information about available resources which can assist adults age 19+ in obtaining post secondary education. Administers assessment, career interest inventory. Assists with applications to post secondary schools and for financial aid. Arkansas Department of Human Services (DHS) 2126 Capps Road, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-741-6107 8 am to 4:30 pm Monday-Friday Helps needy families meet their basic needs by providing assistance with TEA, food stamps, Medicaid, children and family services issues, day care, aging and adult services, developmental disabilities and services for the blind and disabled. Arkansas Rehabilitation Services 705 W. Sherman, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-741-7153 8 am to 4:30 pm Monday-Friday Provides assessment, testing, and other activities that help put persons with disabilities to work by providing counseling, training and job placement. Northwest Regional Housing Authority 114 Sisco, Harrison, AR 72602, 870-741-5522 7 am to 5 pm Monday-Friday Provides rental assistance based on household income. Family Self-Sufficiency Programs helps people become free from assistance through education and employment. Serves Boone (except Harrison), Baxter, Carroll, Madison, Marion, Newton and Searcy counties. Ozark Share & Care 105 Highway 62-65 Bypass, Harrison, AR 72601, 870-741-3130 Office (Emergency assistance) 1-4 pm Monday-Thursday. Thrift Store 9 am to 4:30 pm Monday-Friday, 9 am to 4 pm on Saturday. Provides emergency assistance such as food, rent, utilities, gasoline, medicines, clothing, car seats, coats, fans, USDA commodity distribution to 13 smaller pantries. Holiday food boxes and gift program for needy children in Boone County. Job Corp 800-733-5627 Serves young people between the ages of 16 and 24 by providing them with free basic education training and vocational training. Live on campus while you attend training. You don’t need to search jobs on your own. Take advantage of the many services out there that can help you and your boyfriend. And! if you are so inclined, also consult with local churches about assistance programs and even job help. Some churches are actually good at helping those with low income or who are unemployed (churches vary a lot, so hopefully you have a good one nearby). And still another option! The Salvation Army, which is an outstanding organization willing to help anybody. Talk to them as well. I hope at least some of this helps you and Risuki. Time to take charge of your life and not let circumstances (such as lack of control concerning with whom you live) rule you. Blessed Be, Papabear
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Papabear,
For a while I have always had 2 personalities. I am positive to people always but deep down I am struggling to stay alive. I am always getting bullied and made fun of because of being gay and a furry. How can I get through tough times and be positive? Raoul (age 13, Georgia) * * * My Dear Raoul, Looks like you’re becoming familiar with one of the most difficult aspects of living within human society: trying to fit in on the outside, while becoming familiar with who you really are on the inside. Society wants us all to be the same: heterosexual, sociable, hard-working, productive citizens who produce useful goods and services to the state. On the inside, only a minority actually fit the desired stereotype. However, evolution has made humans so that they crave acceptance within society, and, once acceptance is achieved, we feel more secure because there is strength in numbers. Therefore, when our insides don’t match what is desired on the outside, we create masks, as you have done, in order to adapt. Such personality conflicts are typical of minorities, such as LGBT people and furries. A couple things you can do here. First of all, you need to find fellow furries and/or gay people with whom you can create a social circle of support. It is important that you don’t feel alone and isolated. Secondly, you will need to learn to defend yourself. One way to do that is to report incidents of bullying to your school, whether they involve real-life or cyberbullying encounters. Georgia law is very clear that bullying is not tolerated in schools (and the state will deny funding to schools not in compliance), so your school administrators should be motivated to help you. You can also talk to a school counselor about what is happening and get some advice from him or her. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help, including your family. Furthermore, it doesn’t hurt to learn a bit of physical self-defense. With the caveat that you should never hit or kick someone unless absolutely necessary, it would not be a bad idea to take a self-defense class, such as martial arts. The reality of life, Raoul, is that both you and I, being gay and furry, are likely to be persecuted in one way or another for the rest of our days. The key is to realize that this is not your fault; you are a good person, a valuable person, and it is okay for you to be gay and furry. Those who cannot accept you for being different are simply less evolved as human beings, sadly. But, in your life, you will run across people who are much more open-minded and accepting of you for you. When you find such people, cling to them and never let them out of your sight. You will learn this in the years to come. Have patience, and don’t get down on yourself. You’ll be okay as long as you refuse to believe the hateful remarks thrown at you by the ignorant and the stupid. Bear Hugs, Papabear Heya there, Papa Bear!
My name is Danielle. I’m an 11-year-old furry from California. I'm bi, and I joined the fandom when I was 7. I have a lil' question for you. I easily know way too much, and I know everything about the fandom. But when I’m walking by with my friends, people shout, “Yiff in hell! Furry!” It gets on my nerves, and I have no apparent plans on becoming a yiff. I kindly tell them to stop, but they are major assholes about it and they simply refuse to halt their immature comments. I go up to them and say, “Seriously, would you please stop calling me a yiff?! I'm not harming anyone, and furries are a lot nicer than you are!” I mean, I would’ve totally broke out and cursed, except ... Big Trouble. Oh, and also ... I have a trans friend. He was a girl, and he says he’s bi as well, so I'm not a complete loner. The catch is ... not many people know I'm bi, and I started puberty a long time ago. Even period ... heavy, period.... So I’m easily used to the subject of puberty/body parts/various subjects related to that theme. That would most likely get a shitload of criticism, and much more weird looks. Thank you for your time, Hon. Danielle/Ari/Laika/Seikatsu * * * Dear Danielle, Normally, I would say you are asking me two questions in this letter: one about being a furry and one about being bi. Actually, they are related because with both your concern is about being teased, made fun of, socially ostracized, etc., and the answer to this combination question is the same.... When I was a cub, I was teased a lot. I was teased for being smart, for being pale-skinned in the land of sunshine (SoCal), for being unathletic, for being shy, for being part German, for being part Russian, etc. etc. People, in general, get teased and bullied for all kinds or reasons, ranging from ethnic prejudice to issues about not being popular for reasons such as “acceptable” appearance or athleticism. In the end, the reason for the bullying is not because the object of the teasing has something wrong with him or her, something unacceptable; the TRUE reason is that bullies get off by hurting other people’s feelings and making them upset for any reason at all that they can find. Danielle, what has happened here is that these people have discovered that by shouting “Yiff in hell, furry!” they are getting a reaction out of you. Every time you protest, every time you argue in your defense, every time you so much as flinch, frown, or look upset in any way, you are feeding the wolves the steak they crave. Therefore, the solution is not to find a clever way to get back at them; the solution is to give them no reaction at all. Don’t talk to them, don’t argue with them, don't report them (unless they get physically violent) don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they are getting a rise out of you. The less reaction the get, the less fun it will be for these butt munches to tease you. I know what you’re thinking: “What if I try that and then they come up to me and say something like, ‘Hey, didn’t you hear me, furry? I said yiff in hell”? Yes, it’s possible that their first reaction will be to double-up on the bullying. The answer is to respond to them cooly, without emotion, and to make it clear to them that their words mean nothing to you. You can say such things as, “Yeah, I heard you. Have a nice day” or (very distracted) “Uh huh, that’s nice, I’m really busy right now” (and then walk off, completely ignoring them) or (insincerely) “Yeah, never heard that one before, clever.” Only say such things if they confront you in such a way that it is impossible not to say at least something. While it’s important to show no interest in what they are saying, it is also important not to show any anger or irritation. If they continue to try and engage you, they will eventually show they really have no follow-up for their comments. Example: Idiot: “Yiff in hell, furry!” You: “Okay, have a nice day.” Idiot: “Hey, I said, yiff in hell!” You: “I heard you.” Idiot: “Well, don’t you have anything to say?” You: “Nope.” Idiot: (insistently) “You furries are all sex freaks.” You: “That’s your opinion.” Idiot: “Yeah, well, it’s true.” You: “I appreciate that everyone has a right to think what they like.” Idiot: “You don’t deny it?” You: “I don’t deny that you have an opinion on this. Do you have a point?” Idiot: “Yeah, er, my point is you’re a, um, a furvert.” You: “And?” Idiot: (sounding lame) “And, uh, you’re going to hell.” You: (looking distracted, bored, and checking your watch or iPhone) “Yeah, great, okay, nice talking with you, but I have to go now. Bye.” See how this works? Now, this might not stop the teasing 100%, but I guarantee it will reduce it significantly. The same strategy would work if the teasing was about your being bi or anything else. The key is to be confident in who and what you are and to not be ashamed of it or feel like you have to defend who you are because who you are requires no defense. This is, I admit, a rather tough lesson to learn when you are a pre-teen, but if you learn it now it will go a long way toward improving your self-esteem and self-image. Another point: combine this strategy with overt friendliness. That is, always be gracious, kind, and welcoming to everyone you meet—yes, even the bullies. There is nothing like the one-two punch of self-confidence and friendliness to confuse and befuddle bullies. Soon, people will like you too much to bully you :-) Good luck, hon. Papabear Papabear,
I am in middle school and they don't allow tails; they will be taken away. My question is: how can I find another way of showing my love of being a furry? Sincerely, Vixen Fox (age 12, Colorado) * * * Dear Vixen Fox, Your very short letter hits on a very touchy subject in Papabear’s eyes: school dress codes. Hope you don’t mind a long reply that gets a little off topic at times. The purpose of dress codes is to assert authority, uniformity, and control among students in a school. The Education Commission of the States says: “Student appearance ... can be regulated if it is vulgar, indecent, obscene, insulting or if it carries a message that encourages inappropriate behavior." Therefore, it has been seen as reasonable when a school bans clothing that reveals too much skin or promotes violence, drugs, or alcohol use. In a way, I do support this attitude because you are at school to learn, but I think schools go way too far in enforcing it. Many school districts extend this guideline to mean anything they perceive as potentially disruptive. Because of this, there have been a lot of ridiculous cases where school districts have gone nuts, in my opinion. For example, at one school a girl was suspended for shaving her head in support of cancer patients; another school banned bracelets that said “I [heart] Boobies” in support of breast cancer research. A girl who wore rosary beads because she is Catholic was suspended because gang members in her school also wore them. Absurd. Even more stupid, a school in Oklahoma told one kid he had to turn his shirt inside out because it supported a Michigan university and only shirts promoting Oklahoma schools were allowed. Oh! I almost forgot: I once had a furry write to me that at her school she wore a furry outfit during a day when the school asked everyone to wear a costume that expressed who they felt they really were. Well, guess what? When she wore her fursuit she was immediately taken to the school counselor’s office and they told her parents she was crazy. In other words, “Wear something that expresses who you truly are, but only if that is a state-approved identity.” Over the past 20 years or so, parents have been complaining more to schools and school superintendents about these rules, especially when their kids have done nothing wrong. Sometimes this has actually had the effect of changing school policy. Do your parents support your being a furry? If so, you might ask them to go to your school principal and support your wearing a tail. Has your wearing a tail ever caused a “disruption” in school? For instance, did other students start harassing you because of the tail and causing a commotion in the hallways? If so, the principal might argue that the tail is a disruption and that’s why it was banned. Unfortunately, he would probably be backed up by a judge if this went as far as a courtroom. But, if not, and if your parents support you, you might have a chance to get the principal to change his or her mind. If you feel strongly about wearing a tail, this might be worth a shot. To beef up your argument for wearing a tail, you might even say that you are wearing it in support of animal rights or wildlife conservation and that the ban is violating your First Amendment Rights of free speech. Your being 12, though, it might be a bit much to expect you to make a state or federal case about this. But I would like to pause here and say something to you that you should always keep in mind: education is important, but you must always be conscious of the fact that you are going to a government-run school. Public (and even private) schools are designed for one thing: to turn little children like you into good little citizens, patriots, conformists, and worker bees. Therefore, everything you are being taught is designed to make you believe what you are supposed to believe so that you won’t “rock the boat” or cause trouble for those who run the country and have the power. You can’t just leave school, either. Under the law, you have to attend until you are at least 16. My suggestion to you, therefore, is to explore the world of books outside of school and spend some time educating yourself outside the “approved curriculum” that is shoved down your throat at school. Dress codes are one part of the brain-washing you are currently undergoing. You are also being told to memorize things and then write down those same things on the test, so that you will pass (although I hear no one fails in school now; it’s not allowed), graduate, get a job, pay taxes, and be a good little consumer. The other thing you learn at school, though, is socialization. This is an important subject to learn because, throughout your life, you will have to deal with other people. So, Papabear further advises you to study your fellow students’ behavior and learn how to interact with them. You will be a happier grown-up if you can socialize well with others, as long as you remember that those others have, for the most part, swallowed the Alice in Wonderland candy and believe that everything they are told is true, even though much of it is actually crazy. Question everything. EVERYTHING. That’s why Papabear is proud of you for being a furry at the age of 12. It shows that you can think for yourself by following a path even though most people don’t like the same things you do. Well, I hope I didn’t bore you with that. Let’s get back to your question :-) which is how to show your love for furry without wearing a tail, and, I assume, ears or anything else like that. Have you tried a furry shirt? Make sure it is one that doesn’t have any signs of sexuality about it. You could, to be safe, wear a shirt from a favorite movie that has furry characters on it, such as Robin Hood, Finding Nemo, or Kung Fu Panda. These are all very furry movies and can help you express yourself in a way that the schools would be clueless about (“Oh, that shirt is okay because it is produced by a multi-million dollar corporation that supports the American way of consumerism”). LOL, sorry if I sound like a communist. Meanwhile, at home, I hope you are free to express who you are and your parents don’t mind. If that’s the case, I’m very happy for you and I think you should be 200% furry at home (and, yes, I realize that it is impossible to be more than 100% anything). Again, my apologies for using your question to get some things off of my chest. Thank you so much for writing, and I hope this helps you. Hugs, Papabear Hi PapaBear!
I'm trying to raise money for a music/drama class trip to the NYC. Here's the Letter. December 2, 2014 Dear Papabear, Coming this spring, April 2015, there is an opportunity for students involved in the Briggsdale High School Drama program to attend the Broadway Student Summit workshops in New York, New York. This opportunity is very exciting for the students to observe and participate in drama and the theatrical arts at its finest. Being from a very small rural community, this opportunity comes very rarely for many students who attend this school. It is exciting that over 50 percent of the students who attend Briggsdale High School are involved in the drama program, and they will be able to learn and apply their new found knowledge and skills about drama and acting. Students will attend workshops that will enhance their acting and theatrical ability. Some workshops include: Vocal Interpretation, Stage Combat, Acting Techniques, and even will attend a Musical Theatre Audition Class. Another highlight of this trip will be going to a Broadway production, Les Miserables, and interact with Broadway cast members. This is an incredible opportunity in which our high school students will participate. However, with many great opportunities, comes great cost. The drama program and students are expected to raise enough money to be able to participate in this incredible event. Would you please consider sponsoring us financially so students would be able to participate in this opportunity? Any amount is greatly appreciated, and will go completely for funding this experience. Thank you for your time and consideration. Briggsdale Drama Club So if you have any suggestions or help for my/our fundraising.? Thanks, Failaria Talerum (age 16) * * * Dear Failaria, That's a wonderful opportunity for you, and I hope you make it there. There's a great performing arts program here in my valley, too, with students trying to raise money to go to New York City and see Broadway shows and also get behind-the-scenes looks into the production of a Broadway play. When I was in school and there was a program to raise money, it usually involved me and my peers going door-to-door selling candy and whatnot. You can also try having a local fundraiser, such as a car wash, bake sale, garage sales, and the like. You and your fellow students could partner with a company that sells products, part of the money from which goes to your trip. Companies that partner with students for fundraisers include:
There are also websites where you simply set up a page and ask people for money for your cause, which can be almost anything. Some examples are GoFundMe.com and GiveForward.com. These sites allow you to set up a donation page, which you can then tell people about on places like Facebook or other social sites. One more option would be to set up your own website and put a donate button on the site. If you use PayPal, you can set up a direct link with your bank, generate html code, and insert that into your website. Hopefully, this will give you some ideas to help. Run these by your school teachers and your parents to get their input. Good luck! Papabear Hello PB.
I hope you're ready for this, since this probably will be a bit unclear... Before I present my problem, I think that you should know a bit about me, since my personality voids possible solutions to my problem. I'm a perfectionist, a self-criticizing and self-conscientious fur who has recently came out furry at the start of August. I do not plan on attending meets or conventions (I'd rather deal with more pressing matters) and I only know 1 other furry IRL. I use chatrooms, but to me, it does not feel like real communication. I am also a “grammar hawk,” a Pokémon fan, a Professor Layton fan, and an Ace Attorney fan. I also like playing chess. Also, I have a disability (I don't pay much attention to it) and I'm generally quiet, although I'm a social person due to my personality. Now, when I came out furry, most of my friends were surprised (after all, I was giving out the smart and mature impression to people) and generally, I received a positive reception. However, one of my friends who pretended to be supporting, backstabbed me and insulted me using social media. He has promised that he will not do such again (although he still is mean to me) but he is forming a group of friends who constantly pester me when I'm trying to concentrate on my studies, since I have exams to do for the next few years. I have discussed this problem with friends of mine, who replied with "stay positive and ignore them" but due to their persistence and the fact that I am so self-criticizing and self-conscientious, I am finding that impossible to do. Consequently, this problem is making me feel “uncomfortable in my own skin” and shy. Also, it means that I'm too preemptive about doing anything furry-related. (I also cannot buy a fursuit, they're too expensive in my opinion!) So, I'm currently looking for more subtle furry stuff, but that's a topic for another letter. Sorry for the very long letter, but I am afraid that this problem will only get worse (and the anti-fur group will only get bigger; they've started being mean to my non-fur friends) and my reputation will only get worse. I thought that my disability was bad enough.... Yours, Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, Yours is a situation I’m familiar with. When I was in elementary school, for some reason (I still don’t know why) this one kid started picking on me, and he then recruited others to start making fun of me. It kept building until the last few months of my sixth grade year became a living hell. Boy, was I glad to go to another school the next year! Kids can be like this. They spot a weakness in someone (a disability, lack of skill in sports, awkwardness of any kind) and they exploit it to make themselves feel like they are somehow superior to their targets. It is the most reprehensible kind of behavior and it happens every day in school yards all over the world. If this is getting to the point of bullying, you need to make some adults aware of it (school administrators, parents). Every state in this country either has a law, a policy, or both against bullying. Go to StopBullying.gov to learn more about this. Part of the bullying results, probably, from bullies seeing you have low self-esteem, which is a sign you have a weakness they can attack. People like you and me usually get self-critical because, well, we’ve been beaten down by others since childhood. Parents, peers, teachers—most of them make it their job to make you conform to societal “norms,” and if anyone deviates from those norms you can bet they are going to squash your individuality and make you feel bad about yourself. This is, of course, “for your own good.” You need to stop being so self-critical (you already know this is a problem). Being self-critical can be harmfully addictive in a number of ways. First of all, it gives you an excuse not to do stuff or even try to do it (“I’d probably screw it up, anyway”); second, it gives you a false sense of noble humility (“Look at me, I’m not egotistical like those people; I’m a very humble person”); third, it is a way to elicit complements from other people (“Oh, I’m so stupid” to which your friend says, “No you’re not! You’re smart!” as you smile inwardly, feeling validated in secret.) None of these practices is healthy for you, mentally or emotionally. To stop being so down on yourself, start by making a list of your good traits. Post them in a prominent place in your bedroom or bathroom and read through them every day. Then, if you find yourself, during the day, saying something bad about yourself, stop yourself and think of one of the positive things on your list. Fortunately, you may have stumbled upon a solution for your problem with friends. The ones who have turned against you are not your friends. Why are you still associating with that one guy if he is “still mean” to you? I wouldn’t put up with that, and neither should you. Don’t be so desperate for friends that you’re willing to be a punching bag for someone else’s emotional issues. Time to replace those sorry excuses for friends with other people, and perhaps those people could be furries. The first thing you need to know about furries is that you do not need a fursuit to be a furry! Eighty percent of furries don’t have one! It is a common misconception. But if you ever do decide you want one, you can get partials fairly inexpensively, or even find a used one. Anyway, that’s not important. What is important is that you find some friends with whom you can relate. Reading your letter, I bet there are a lot of furries your age who would get along swell with you, disability or no. It’s really a mistake, therefore, to try to go “subtle” on the furry stuff. Furries are anything but subtle LOL. Papabear’s prescription for you, therefore, is to go forth and become pawesome with some furries. You’ll have to start online to find people, but hopefully there is a furmeet or some such near you that you could attend, or maybe go to a furcon (take your parents, since you’re underage). While furries, like any other group, aren’t perfect, you’re more likely to find people like yourself with the furry community. It helps a lot, when looking for friends, when you share interests, and the love of furry movies, comics, art etc. can bring you together. In addition to furries, you can search online for people who like chess, Pokémon, video games, etc. For example, there is a Facebook club for Professor Layton fans at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Professor-Layton-and-Co-Fan-Club/545901585419955 you could join. The more groups you join like this one, the more of a chance you have of locating someone near you who likes what you do. Your friend who advised you to ignore the bullies is essentially correct. As you go through life, you should try and learn the skill of pruning your friends list. Cut off the dead or diseased branches and you’ll have a healthier plant and more beautiful flowers. You might even try grafting new species onto your plant and achieve something extraordinary. Hope that helps! Stay furry! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I don't know what to do. Of all the people I knew in High School, I am the only one without kids, not married, and single. Most men my age have settled down, but at 25 I remain a virgin. I'll have to go back into my past before I can ask you for advice, so here goes. I didn't have a typical childhood; I spent the majority of it alone. You see, I was never a good looking individual, and as such I was a target for wide spread bullying in my schools. I had two friends in grade school, both of which discarded me in under a year's time. The first was a boy named Gabe. Gabe had just moved to the neighborhood I lived in, and the school I attended. As such, he was the "new kid" that no one talked to, no one except myself. We quickly became friends and had fun together playing in the playground. But there was a shadow, and his name was Tolleson. He was the one who hated me more than any one else, for reasons I do not even know to this day. Needless to say, he was one of the most popular kids in the school. Being a child, I was under the impression that adults could solve anything, so I went to the principal and explained to her how he was constantly picking on me. She promptly called him into her office where he claimed that I, a scrawny kid, picked on the beefy boy standing at her desk. Unable to decide which of us was telling the truth, she told us to leave each other alone, and that if she heard that either of us had continued to harass the other, that they would receive lunch detention for the remainder of the school year. Weeks later, I stood in the back of the lunch line as was my place whilst Tolleson stood at the front, but something peculiar happened that day; Gabe had gone to the front with Tolleson. Shortly after lunch I was called into the principal's office, and there before her stood Tolleson and his friends, all whom told the same story that I had went to the front of the line to start trouble with him, except there was a new face there; Gabe stood within the crowd. That was my first taste of betrayal that landed me in detention for the rest of the school year which was not even halfway done. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson, but the very next year I met another kid named Josh. He was a trouble maker of sorts, but I didn't care, I was just happy to have someone accept me. So that year I did several things that got me into trouble right along with him. Eventually the end of the school year came and he invited me over to his place after school. As I was unpopular, I always hung after school to avoid being beat up by other children, so by the time I approached his house the streets were empty. I came from the front, and as I approached I saw his head appear over his fence, followed by several more. Him and his other friends then threw beans and spoiled milk cartons at me, and Josh then pulled a small bb gun and fired at me. I ran. I didn't make any more friends for the remaining three years of elementary school. My recesses were spent meandering the borders of the school or swinging on the swings, watching the traffic. Middle school and high school both were unpleasant as kids seemed to always harbor a hatred towards me and my large front teeth, though I did have a small group of friends in High School who, surprisingly enough, did nothing to hurt me. I did date one girl in High School, but as things turned out I was less than a rebound; she merely dated me to get to know one of my friends (who she later married and had kids with, so at least I was useful for something) and broke up with me shortly thereafter. Now at 25, my teeth are nearly straight, but I still feel ostracized from the world. I want to find someone special, but I fear a relationship will never work for me. I think I may be incapable of loving another person in that aspect. I've never been very affectionate, nor am I romantic in any way. The thought of sharing a bed with someone does not comfort me. And while deep in my heart I want someone, another part does not want to give up the loneliness that I've known my whole life; in short I'm content with living and dying alone. I don't know what to do at this point Papabear. I feel that if I don't act soon that I will never find a mate or have a family of my own. Is there a way to escape this darkness? Nobody * * * Dear Somebody, You and I have a lot in common. I, too, was bullied in school and didn’t have many friends. With you it might have been “big teeth” or some other physical aspect you don’t mention, and with me it was being a pale, frail, unathletic and shy person. I was always on the outside, rarely looking in. Other kids made fun of me all the time, sometimes punching me, particularly in elementary school, and most especially in sixth grade. That year, some kid—Christian Blakewell; I will never forget his name—decided to make me his target, and he got all the other kids to back him up. Suddenly, even the few kids I thought kind of liked me were treating me like I was some evil pariah. It was a very lonely year. Only one person stuck by me at all and he is my friend to this day. In junior high and high school it wasn’t quite as bad; I didn’t really get picked on, but I didn’t have many friends, either. I had learned I was different, and so I dove into books and concentrated on my grades, graduating at the very lonely top, eventually. Children are like pack animals, wolves really. They quickly form a hierarchy from alphas to omegas. Gabe, the newcomer, first became your friend, not apparently realizing where you stood, but as soon as he figured it out he decided he didn’t want to be on the bottom so he cozied up to Tolleson. As we grow up, a few of us become mature and drop such cliquish behavior. Many others do not, however. You see it everywhere, from corporate boardrooms to politics to sports. You see it in the fandom, too, which is why the cliques among furries make me want to puke salmon all over certain people’s footpaws. But that would be a waste of good salmon. But I got over it, and you can, too. First thing you do is step out of the competition, which you are still in at the moment. Don’t worry about whether or not you have a mate or children. If you are trying to get those things because others have them, then you are doing it for the completely wrong reason. Get a mate because you have fallen in love; have children because your love for your mate has made you want to have a family. Don’t do it because the Joneses next door have done it. And, if you want to stay single, stay single. Whatever makes you happy, and, believe it or not, a lot of people are perfectly happy to be single; it’s a growing trend, in fact. Think really really hard about why you want a mate when you are a person who states that the “thought of sharing a bed with someone does not comfort me.” Once you stop competing with others, you can set your own goals with your own standards. That is the point in your life when you really start to become a self-realized person. The second step is to stop setting artificial deadlines for yourself. At 25 you are panicking that you are running out of time. Whose time? By what clock? You know, some people don’t find love until much later in life—hey, Willard Scott of the “Today” show just got married this month at 80 years of age! In my life, I have found that you meet the people you were meant to meet when you were meant to meet them. Some people would call this the “God has a plan for you” paradigm. In my way of thinking, I believe that the universe and all it contains is all bound together by a spiritual force that inevitably moves us along the path meant for us. If you have not met that someone special yet, it doesn’t mean you won’t. If you feel like it can’t happen because you are unattractive, then you should know that plenty of people fall in love with others considered to be ugly. I mean, for one example that springs to mind, look at Eleanor Roosevelt. Oy, vay. Yet she became First Lady. Prince Charles dumped the beautiful Princess Diana for the horse-faced Camilla. And then there’s Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito, just to name a couple. I haven’t seen a picture of you (would love to get one, if you’re willing), but I bet there are features about you that others would find attractive. Also, do not discount the ability of many people to look past mere appearance and fall in love with a person’s soul. That happens a lot, and those people are usually happier than the ones who marry just for surface beauty. It sounds like you’re attempting to make yourself more attractive by fixing your teeth. I won’t judge you on that, being someone who got braces himself late in life, but there is something else you can do as well: make yourself an attractive person, if you are not already. You can be more attractive by being friendly, loving, considerate of others, self-confident, intelligent, humorous, and so on. Focus on your good traits, let them shine, and, most especially in your case, get over the past and live for the future. You can’t do anything about what happened to you in school now, but you can do a lot about how you face what is in front of you. You’ve shut yourself up in a darkened room for too long. Open the door and windows and let some sunlight in. Hugs, Papabear Dear PB,
I just recently turned seventeen, and I'll be a senior in high school in a matter of months, and I'm a bit ruffled over where I want my future to go. I've given thought to the matter and I generally don't like many activities/hobbies, so at this point, I'm skeptical of how useful a college degree will be considering that I don't know what degree I'd get and the cost of college, despite the increase in income it allows. I've given quite a bit of thought into joining the military, but I'm not sure if that's a viable means of earning a living. I know I can deal with the stress and strain that training will encompass, but I don't want to commit myself to something and then have nothing to fall back upon. Sorry if this letter is rambling any; I have a problem with that. I hope I've given sufficient information for advice, and if not, then I'd be happy to answer any questions. Thank you, Ciner * * * Dear Ciner, There is a lot of pressure on young people to get a college education. As you noted, people with degrees usually make more money than those with only a high school diploma or less. However, it has always been this bear’s belief that a college education (at least, a four-year or higher degree) is not for everyone. As you mention, there is the alternative of the military, but that certainly is not for everyone, either. The good news is there are a lot of careers you can get into without going to college that earn you a decent income. Here is an excellent list about them: http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/07/25/50-jobs-over-50000-without-a-degree-part-1/. It includes everything from dog walker to construction-related industries to computers and writing professions. Also, there are a lot of things you can do with a 2-year degree. The U.S. actually has an outstanding community college system. Here are some high-paying jobs with a two-year degree: http://career-advice.monster.com/salary-benefits/salary-information/100k-jobs-two-year-degree/article.aspx and here http://www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/01/23/highest-paying-2-year-degree-jobs-in-the-us/. So what you need to do is find something in which you have an interest. You noted you “generally don't like many activities/hobbies,” but that doesn’t mean you have no interest in anything, I hope. If you have absolutely no interest in doing anything in your life, then I cannot help you. But if you can find just one or two things that appeal to you, that is workable. Better yet, if you can find something you love and can find a career in, then you will never work a day in your life because work will be like play. If I could, for instance, earn a living writing this column, I would be one happy bear. Don’t be pressured by adults or peers to do something for the money. That will just make your life sad—and is, unfortunately, what happens to most people in this world. Find your passion first, then make it a career. Good luck! Papabear Hello, Papa Bear, it’s me again and I wanted to ask you another question.
Today I was in my class and one of my friends got attacked by a student (he put him in a choke hold) and one of my other friends tried to help him. As this was going on I just sat there. I didn't help at all. After my friend was safe (the student said he was joking around and he said the he was sorry), I thought to myself, "I should have helped. I should have done something." I felt so guilty that I didn't help. If only I could be more like my fursona (having bravery, and being strong). But not to waste your time, Papa Bear, how can I be more like my fursona? Werehog the Werewolf * * * Hi, again, Werehog, Don’t be too hard on yourself. It sounds like a kind of scary situation, and you’re only human. When I was your age, I was very shy and afraid to get involved in things, too. I’m a lot different now than I was then (hoo boy! a lot different!) and you will change with time, too. What’s good is that you acknowledge there is room for improvement (as there is with anyone) and you want to do better. Great! What you need is a little self-confidence and to learn not to be afraid in confrontational situations. Now, I don’t know all the circumstances of the situation you described, but a lot of the time the answer is not to join in on the fight but to alert someone in charge (in this case, a teacher or administrator) and get them to stop it. Similarly, if this were a situation outside of school, you might contact the police, if appropriate. But there are cases where it can be important for you to get involved and help if you can, such as if no one else is there to help out, or if the situation is life-threatening and there is no time to waste. It’s not a bad idea at all to prepare for such an event. One thing you can do is take a CPR class. This is really a good idea for anyone to do. I took one some time ago (need to take a refresher), and it is simple and you can learn a lot in just a few hours. Another thing you can do is take self-defense classes or martial arts classes, or perhaps boxing. I would bet some are available at your school. Combine this with some weight training and aerobic exercise. Being more fit and learning to defend yourself will do wonders for your self-confidence. And when you are self-confident you will usually find that bullies and other twits will back down from you if you just look them in the eye and show that you are not scared of them. Reminds me of an incident a few years back when I still lived in Michigan. My mate and I went to a local fairgrounds for a fireworks show. Afterwards, as often happens at such things, there were a lot of drunks around. Yogi got a little miffed when this one guy on a motorcycle almost hit him (we were walking) and said so. Well, this guy got off the bike and started yelling and threatening Yogi, and I got concerned, so I stepped in and told the biker to leave him alone. He cocked his arm back and threatened to hit me, and I was like, “Go ahead. We’re surrounded by people and there are firemen right over there.” He grumbled and stumbled off. Only thing I regret is I should have gotten his license number and reported him for drunk driving. You wanna hear something crazy? I’m actually a lot more reticent to confront a customer service person about a bad product than I am to confront a dumb jerk who thinks he’s muy macho. For CS issues, I let Yogi handle it LOL. We get a lot of free stuff that way with his New Yorker attitude (“Hey! I’m talkin’ here! Waddaya mean you won’t give me a refund? Dis product sucks more than a cannoli made in China! Get me your supervisor, I’m done talkin to youse.” Hehe, a little exaggerated about the accent). Try taking some classes like I suggested, and realize that you are likely smarter than these droofuses who bully other people around. Don’t be afraid of them and they will back off; and be smarter than them. (If they don’t? Well, know what, I’ve been punched in the face a couple times in my life, and it really isn’t all that bad, especially when your adrenals are pumping.) Don’t seek out violence, but prepare yourself for it. It can actually do a lot for both your mental and physical health. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Ok, so I recently began identifying as a furry after finding out about the fandom, and I have decided to write to you about a thing that happened. I apologize in advance if my letter seems spacey or too long. I'll try to make sense as much as I can and keep it short-ish. I joined the furry community in secret at the beginning of last month, and (sort of) broke the news to my parents by asking what they would do if I wore a tail keychain to school, then slowly introducing them to the community after that. My friends are all ok with it; in fact, one of my friends who we call Candy Cane was the one who gave me the idea to check out the furry community, so nothing bad there. The problems started when I actually got my tail keychain this month, a raccoon looking one, and began wearing it everywhere including school. You see, there is this group of boys who tease me for liking the anime genre of cartoons, so when they saw my tail they asked if it was an anime character's. (Specifically, they asked if it was Pikachu's even though they know the tail looks nothing at all like a Pikachu's.) I could tell that they were not being sincere and were just trying to annoy me, so I ignored them. Later that day in another class I was in we had a group project so there were a lot of people walking around. I was getting supplies for my group when someone came up and pulled on my tail, but I couldn't see who it was because of all the kids. Another boy who likes to annoy me asked me the other day if my tail was a girl, which was just met with confusion on my part. Those are just the more memorable incidents, too. I've had people saying sarcastically in the hall that they "liked my tail," and asking if they could wear or have it, to which I always respond no because they might ruin it as people have scrawled curse words in pen on my drawings before so I'm rather protective of my things. What I'm wondering is how to get this to stop. It's been a while now and most of the kids are still teasing me. I cant go to the teachers of the school for a few reasons; one is that the vice principal will just say to stop wearing it, the actual principal doesn't like me, and I'm really bad with faces so if I try to get the more noticeable ones in trouble I will most likely get told that I got the wrong person and the whole report will be shoved into the corner of a teacher's desk somewhere. It's happened before when I tried to report fake and sarcastic "love confessions". (Ugh.) My friends aren't very popular either except for Candy Cane and she just kind of blows them off, so I don't have any "kid power" to help me with this one. If you have any ideas can you please help? Kind Of Stuck Here, Maya the Wolf * * * Dear Maya, Ah, yes, life as a teenager in school can be so much fun when you are not part of the “in” crowd, no? I remember when I was your age growing up in Van Nuys. With me, because I had not discovered the fandom yet, it was being teased because I was unathletic, shy, and fair-skinned (which is illegal in southern California when you are a minor, apparently). I got beaten up a couple times, too. That all started to change when I was in junior high. One day, I was in the hallway getting stuff out of my locker and this very well-muscled guy with a nasty expression on his face confronted me. For some reason—I have no idea why—he demanded I give him my bungee cord. Something just clicked inside my head, and I told him no. He grabbed me by the shirt and pushed me against the lockers, again demanding the cord. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t scared. I told him firmly, no, you can’t have it. After trying to intimidate me a little longer, he gave up and walked away. It was very strange. He was much stronger than me and could have taken it by force, but I think he was taken aback by the fact that this scrawny pale kid just was not afraid of him. Now, so far with you, it seems like no one is physically threatening you, which is good. But they are being very unpleasant. Bullies, really, though that is rather hard to prove when you don’t have something like an email to show the school or, worse, bruises. So, I agree, you do need to do something yourself to stop it. One thing is to not be afraid or intimidated. You’ve already tried ignoring them, but they can probably see by your expression that they are bothering you, and that’s what keeps their petty, small-minded desire to hurt you alive. You see, Maya, such kids are to be pitied, really. They are so afraid to be themselves that they feel they must fit in with the “popular kids.” Part of reinforcing that bond is making fun of those who are different in any way, like you. I applaud you for being yourself and wearing your tail. You are actually in very good company. Some celebrities who got beaten up and bullied for being different in school include Robert Pattinson, Taylor Swift, Eminem, Miley Cyrus, Tom Cruise, Sandra Bullock, Tiger Woods, and President Bill Clinton. Gee, I wonder where the people who teased them are now? Nobody knows, and probably for good reason: they were not unique or special because they were too busy trying to gain acceptance of the “normal” kids. Now then, other than ignoring these dolts, what to do? The key is to be smarter than they are, which doesn’t seem like it will be a challenge for you, given that they don’t know what a Pikachu tail looks like and, apparently, think tails have genders. (Another trait that often characterizes bullies is that they tend to be stupid). What you need to develop is some comeback lines that are more clever and Oh! Snap!-alicious. For example, when that kid asked if your tale has a gender, you could say, “That’s about as stupid as asking if my cell phone is a boy or a girl.” If they ask if that’s a Pikachu tail, say, “Wow, way to show off your ignorance about anime for everyone in the hallway to hear.” If they ask to wear your tail, say, “Sure! If I can borrow something really personal from you—how about your earrings? Or your crucifix necklace?” These people do not deserve your respect; when you shy away from them, it is the same as giving them power—the power to make you feel bad about yourself and uncomfortable. Don’t give them that power, and you can demonstrate that by sticking up for being you. If, after giving them comebacks like the above, they try to draw you into a war of words, simply say, “Well, this has been fun, but I have better things to do with my time than listen to people whose opinions don’t matter to me.” And then walk away. Oh! I almost forgot to add: take photos. Do you have a cell phone with a camera? Every time you run into these teasers, say, "Smile!" and take their picture. This serves two purposes: you can now recall their faces, and it can really scare bullies off because they don't want to have a record of what they are doing. Even better, make a video of them. This is perfectly legal for you to do because they are in a public place, and the courts have repeatedly asserted that you have "no expectation of privacy" when you are in a public place. Now, if this escalates into violence, that’s another matter. Many states have laws against bullying. It is illegal! And that’s not just violence. If these kids are making your life a living hell and making you depressed, you have a case. Visit the government site at http://www.stopbullying.gov/index.html to learn more. I don’t care if the principal doesn’t like you; he is legally obligated to help you if this becomes a bad situation. It is my hope that that won’t be necessary, and simply sticking up for yourself more will end the bullying. Bullies tend to be pansy sissy boys and girls with low self-esteem who back down when faced with someone who is not threatened by them (see above). This is probably why Candy Cane does so well. She isn’t bothered by them, and neither should you be. If I were you, I would talk to her a bit about what I have written here and get some ideas from her, as well. I hope that helps, Maya! Stay Furry! Papabear |
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